


Miss You Dearly

by Ryuko_Shepard8



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-10 04:31:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12291312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryuko_Shepard8/pseuds/Ryuko_Shepard8
Summary: Jane Shepard is not a commander, rather an antisocial engineer who works on the Normandy alongside her brother. Before the trip to Eden Prime, she meets Nihlus, a turian spectre. They hit things off quickly and a relationship is formed, but when Nihlus is killed, Jane is depressed. Garrus is the only on who knows of her relationship with Nihlus, and he only wants to help her, but she just wants to push him away





	1. Chapter 1

Her heart pounded when she watched him step onto the ship. Her mouth went dry. Her palms began to sweat. She bit her lip to hold back shouting his name, she tucked one of her legs behind the other, so she wouldn't throw herself into his arms, like she she so desperately wanted to, and she kept her head angled down so she wouldn't be able to see the perfection of his features.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

She'd met him sometime ago, on the citadel whilst on shore leave. An engineer out at the bar for a drink, rather than working, was rare, but her crew forced her out. So there she was. Stuck in the crowd of people. Praying to not be noticed as she sipped her cold water. Then he stepped in.

Even off work, he stood tall and proud. She felt intimidated. They locked eyes, for just a moment, before he turned his gaze to an Asari stripper. She only acknowledged that with a nod and another sip of water.

The lights hurt her eyes. The music made her stomach churn. She wanted nothing more than to curl up on her room on the Normandy, and sleep the night away. If she could just sneak away. Some of the other engineers littered the dance floor. She watched her brother do a shot game with Kaidan. No one's attention was on her, Engineer Jane Shepard could leave as she pleased.

She nodded to the bartender and dropped down from the stool. After glancing over her shoulders twice, she jogged to the door. Not fast enough to cause a scene, but enough to get her out of their quicker.

Then, she was stopped. A firm hand placed upon her shoulder. The smell of cinnamon and discipline. She looked back to be met with chest plates, then up to see a face. The turian who stood tall and proud had his hand placed on her shoulder.

"Can...can I help you?" She murmured. She highly doubted her heard her beneath the blasting music, but she was too frightened to repeat the question.

"I'm glad I caught you," his voice was smooth, it caused her heart beat to speed up in her chest, "You're not...leaving are you?"

She nodded, "I...want to go back to my ship. This isn't really my kinda place."

"Ah, you're on Shore Leave," he spoke with his hand planted on her back as he lead her back to the bar, "then I'm sure your captain wouldn't mind if you had a few drinks."

"I don't drink!" She blurted out before he could sit her back down at a barstool.

He just chuckled in response, "I can tell, you had a glass of water before I even got here. I just want to sit down and talk to you." He said with a slight shrug of the shoulder.

He pulled out a chair for her to sit down at an empty table, and she took it hastily. He slid it back in when she'd sat and took the chair across from her.

"It's… rare to see a turian who doesn't hate humans," she began, mentally punishing herself for this being the only conversation starter she had. She took a lock of her bright, red hair in her hands and stroked it ever so slightly between her fingers.

"I see the potential in you humans. I know you'll go far in the future,"

"Is there a reason you wanted to talk to me?" she turned her head away while continuing to stroke her hair.

"You had a sad look in your eye,"

She glanced down now, "A person like me...I don't often come to places like this. I like to be somewhere a bit more quiet."

"I know somewhere we can go," he said with a smirk.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

He stepped by her with no words, their eyes only locking for a brief second before her turned back to captain Anderson.

"We're happy to have you aboard, Nihlus," he said with a firm handshake.

"I'm happy to be here, sir," Nihlus stated, tall and proud.

As Anderson and Nihlus' conversation droned on, more and more crew members began to clear out from the CIC, having already met Nihlus. She was the last to leave, taking one final glance back at his face before going back down stairs for a weapons training. She lightly scratched the scar on the side of her neck.

Jane paced back and forth in the armory. Her thoughts were only of him. He told her he was going to be here, just a few nights before on bid message, but seeing him brought a whole new light to it. Her heart was beating a mile a minute. She hoped...no prayed to any god that was listening, that they'd have some time alone to talk. They rarely ever got that since he was so busy with his spectre work and she had things to do on the Normandy.

Occupying her time was hard. The crews buzz was all about that new, cool turian aboard. She tried to work on her weapon, but then she heard the news that he was walking the ship, talking to the crew. What if her saw her? What would she do? What would she say? She hadn't prepared for this.

The elevator opened, and on instinct, Jane's eyes were drawn to him. He hadn't changed much in the slightest, it'd only been a few weeks since they last met. Brown plating and white clan markings. His were so extravagant. They always intrigued her, when he slept at night, she stroked her fingers across them and wondered how he made them so perfect.

One by one, he talked to the crew, asked for names, jobs, and how they liked the other crew members of the Normandy. She prayed that he would just glance over her, she thought she wanted to talk, but now her nerves had kicked in. She was terrified to face him.

He stepped over to her. His footsteps heavy. His back straight. She continued to look blankly at what she was working on, whatever the hell that was. Her leaned over her, taking a long sniff of her hair. Her body seemed to turn into stone, she was so tense.

"You still smell like me," he sighed just beneath his breath, so no one could hear.

"You said so yourself," she started, "it'd take some pretty strong stuff to get the bonding pheromones of a turian off." She was surprised at how easily the words were spilling out now that she was saying them, it felt natural.

"And your bite?"

"It scarred. What about yours?" She cocked an eyebrow.

"In the same place. Just beneath my armor, were no one can see it," he reassured.

Nihlus placed his hand gently over hers. It felt warm to the touch, even beneath his gloves. She never wanted the feeling to leave, but he had too.

"I can't draw too much suspicion now, nobody can know about us. But I promise I will find some downtime before the mission, so that you and I can get to know each other better,"

She only nodded in response as he stepped away and talked to another crew member. She felt like her heart was going to leap from her chest.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

She gazed up at the flowers and ponds on the presidium. The air smelled so good up here. So fresh and sweet. This is what earth smelled like. This is what home smelled like

"So this was the place you wanted to show me?" She rubbed her finger against a petal that had fallen and landed near her. It was soft to the touch.

"Not very many people stop by this late at night. It's quiet, just like you like."

"That it is,"

They sat in silence for some time. Just sitting next to each other, watching the occasion petal fall and listening to the sound of rushing waves. The only thing that could make it more authentic, was chirping birds.

She didn't know why, but she rested her head on his shoulder. He wasn't soft like humans, but the firmness of his plates was nice too. She supposed.

"I first saw you on a video with your brother, some time ago," he suddenly said, "I thought you were pretty attractive, for a human."

"Oh…" was all she could whisper out.

"I was trying to flirt with you tonight, but I guess I'm not that good at it,"

She she her head and lifted herself up from his shoulder, "I'm just super dense. It's not your fault."

He only smirked as a response. It was then that she noticed that his eyes were green. They stood out against the brown of his features.

Nihlus placed a hand softly against her cheek. She didn't know what to say or what to do. She knew he had intentions to kiss her, however turians did that, but she couldn't even decided whether or not she wanted to accept it.

He leaned down and pressed his forehead against hers. A shiver ran down her body and she closed her eyes, and led a shaky finger tip up to his fringe. She didn't know what she was doing, but it felt right. He purred ever so slightly and her cheeked curled into a little smile.

He pulled away before her fingers could fully dig into his fringe.

"By god I'm ruining it, I haven't even introduced myself before I start trying to kiss you," he sighed, "I'm Nihlus." He smiled while extending a hand out to her.

"Jane,"


	2. Chapter 2

He said he'd find some alone time, and alone time he found. It wasn't the most romantic of settings, but being together in a dark storage room was better than nothing. She had her hands placed against his armor, feeling the coolness of it beneath her fingertips. He had is delicately wrapped around her waist. She could feel his blunt talons on her hips.

"I've missed you," he mumbled.

"I've missed you too, Nihlus," she sighed, looking up to meet his face. They locked a gaze for a moment, then he leaned down and pressed his mouth plates against her lips.

She made sure to take her pills when he texted her, so her allergies wouldn't be as bad, so they could kiss. His mouth had a unique taste that she could never describe the extraordinary sensation.

Her hand trailed up from his armor to his neck, then his fringe. She dug her long nails into it, he sighed against the kiss. He loved it.

Jane pulled away from the kiss and dragged her tongue over to his mandibles. They tasted of cinnamon as she licked them slowly, he purred as a response. His hand slid down to her military grade pants, pulling them down so that her supple ass showed. He cupped the warm flesh in his hands.

"Nihlus, we have to make this quick," she breathed as her hand began to unclasp the chest plate of his armor. He took a step back and let the metal plating fall to the floor. She prayed no one heard the noise.

"I know, I know," he began to lick up and down her neck, his tongue grazing across her bonding bit. She dug her nails into his carapace, his skin was so rough, and she'd forgotten lotion. There was sure to be chaffing.

Shepard lifted her shirt and bra, letting them both sit against her collarbone. He leaned down and took the bud into his mouth. His rough tongue stimulated the flesh in a way that made her legs feel weak. She grabbed his fringe and gave it a rough pull. He grabbed her pants and ripped them down to her ankles.

He began to take off his lower body armor. His plates had long since shifted, she could tell that it was uncomfortable to have such a large erection sit in such a confined space. Her panties were ripped away without a word of protest.

Nihlus stepped closer to her, lifting her leg, and placing her knee against his hip. She felt the tip of member rub against her entrance. Jane released a shaky moan, she couldn't believe how bad she wanted it. It hadn't been that long since she'd had it.

He thrust into her and she grunted as she took his length. The feeling of the ridges against all of her deepest parts was like heaven. His hand still holding her ass, he began to take slow thrust into her. She moaned lightly into his next as his slow, passionate thrust continued.

"Nihlus….Nihlus," she sighed like a prayer into his ear. Her fingers began to dig into his fringe, her leg keeping tight hold of his body. Thrust after thrust, moan after moan. Just as she'd gotten used to the pleasure, he thrust began to speed up.

She felt her toes curl, her back arch, she was no longer clawing at his fringe to bring him pleasure, but rather to keep from screaming out. Her other hand against the wall, she used the cold of the metal to try to calm the heat of her body. It wasn't much of a help, but it was better than nothing.

He nibbled on the bonding bite on her neck, inhaling the scent he put on her. He noticed how faded the bite was. It would scar, but he wanted to make sure that every turian man could see it and know better than to go near her.

"I think I'm gonna…" she stuttered on her words. Her legs trembled, she felt the familiar knot in abdomen, with each thrust it got tighter. How would she be able to withstand this? So amazing at what he did.

"I know, let it all out," his talons dug into her hips, she was grateful that he filed them down before they began.

Jane felt the knot in her abdomen reach it's peak, her body was stiff for a mere few seconds, then it finally burst. A shockwave of pleasure erupted through her body. She felt herself convulse under the weight of his talons, which were the only thing holding her in place.

His thrust inside her continued. She could tell he was close, from just how much he was panting. Her womanhood was so much more sensitive after her orgasm, she bit her lip so that she would stay quiet while he kept thrusting into her.

"I love you, Jane Shepard," he grunted as he pulled out and finished against the wall. He panted and pressed his forehead against hers. Purring into the turian styled kiss.

OOOOOOOOOOO

"I have to go now," he stated while pulling his armor back on, "I've got to examine Joker do the mass relay jump."

"I know, Nihlus, you don't have to explain yourself. You do owe me new underwear though,"

He kissed her cheek, stroking her bare shoulder, "I'll keep that promise, I swear."

He stepped out of the room and stepped out into the bright fluorescent lights, leaving her alone in the dark to continue getting dressed.

Even though it had only happened a few moments ago, she still smiled at the memory and squealed like she was a teenage girl again.

Jane checked the area around the storage room before stepping out. Most of the crew had gone up to the bridge to watch the jump, so she didn't need to worry about anyone seeing her after Nihlus had left out.

She decided against going up to the bridge, seeing him would only make her want to hold him. She knew it was best if no one knew. He was always so calm when they were near each other in public, but she could never fake that she didn't love him. She always wanted to hold him and touch him. She wanted to express her feelings for him.

 _"Hey, Sis, you sure you don't wanna come up and watch?"_  John asked her over the comm.

"No no, I'd rather just sit down here, but you enjoy the mission,"

 _"You sure?"_ He urged her,  _"Maybe I'll bring you out onto the field with me when we hit land. Just like old times."_

"Maybe next time, John. I can't today,"

_"Joker said you were a bummer and I fully agree with him. See you after the mission,"_

After that day, she wished every night that she would've sent upstairs to watch the jump. She wished she would have went to see him before he left, before he died. She wished she could have seen Nihlus one last time before Saren killed him.

OOOOOOOOOO

Her eyes were filled with tears. Her hands shook violently. Her face was red, her nose stuffed. How long had she been crying? She asked herself as more and more tears streamed down her face. Her shirt was stained, it felt so unreal, yet too real at the same time.

It happened to quick. Too fast. She wasn't ready. How could she be ready for something like this? She wanted the pain in her chest to go away, she wanted the hurt to not be around anymore.

When John broke the news to her, she couldn't even fathom it. It took her mind so many playthroughs of the sentence, over and over, for her to be able to process it.

_"Nihlus was killed as well, Saren shot him,"_

She couldn't even hold back the tears. She broke down, right then and there. Dropping to her knees she placed the palms of her hands to her eyes. John knelt down next to her and rubbed her back, he was trying to comfort her, but it felt like nothing.

"Hey...what's the matter? You sad about Jenkins? Nihlus?"

She didn't answer, just ran back to her quarters. That's where she sat now. Where'd she been for hours. Her vision was blurry and her mouth was so so dry. She wanted to get a drink, but she didn't want to get up. She felt weak. Tired. She wanted to sleep. Although, she was praying that she was already asleep. That this was all a bad dream and that when she awoke, she would message Nihlus and he would message back, telling her that he was on some important spectre mission. She closed her eyes and prayed for that to be the case.

Hours later, her eyes opened, and she looked around her.

She wanted to message Nihlus, but knowing that he was likely never to respond, she cried into her pillow. Until she couldn't cry anymore. Until her sobs were drowning out the memories of his voice. Until the scar on the side of her neck burned as she thought of him.


	3. Chapter 3

Words sounded muffled, like her ears were full of water, yet she spoke as if she knew what people were saying. She just wanted to seem as if she were normal, but she knew better, she was terrible at hiding her emotions. She felt drained, depressed, lonely, but at the same time, she was angry. She wanted to stab something, kill it with her bare hands. She was angry at the council for protecting that murderer, angry at Saren for taking the love of her life from her, but more than anything, she was angry at herself. She was angry for not spending more time with Nihlus. She knew that if she told someone about how she was feeling, they'd likely tell her that it wasn't her fault and that she was blaming herself far too much, but now she had no one to talk to. She had barely any friends and her only family was John, and she didn't feel much too comfortable talking to him about such things. It was always Nihlus. He was always there for her. She felt so isolated from the world without him.

She sat on the presidium, where her and Nihlus had gone on their first date. John was busy talking to some C-sec officer, so she had more than enough time to mourn him silently. A flower petal sat against her thigh, she only glanced at it before remembering their first kiss. The thought of it was more than intoxicating. Her eyes shifted from the memory to the officer that her brother spoke to. Something Vakarian. She didn't pay much attention to him until her brought up Nihlus.

“Has Nihlus-” he sniffed the air slightly, “-been around you lately? His scent is strong here.”

John answered, “Nihlus was assigned to the Normandy briefly before he passed, that's probably what you're smelling.”

Jane couldn't help but smile ever so slightly. She still smelled of him. Even if blind to the human nose, it made her deeply happy to know that some part of him. If only a small bit, was still there.

She knew that Vakarian would join the crew. He was desperate to find Saren and the Normandy crew was desperate for numbers. She wasn't too happy about the idea of a turian aboard. He'd eventually find out that that smell was coming from her and ask her about it. She wasn't embarrassed about it, so much as she wasn't ready to speak. She hadn't told anyone. She had no idea how big his mouth was, what if he couldn't keep it to himself? She would just have to avoid him to the best of her ability. Tell him when she was ready.

“My name's Garrus Vakarian,” he extended a hand out to her. Her eyes shot up to face, the back to his hand. So much for avoiding him.

She took his hand, noticing how it felt so much like Nihlus’, and gave it a slight shake, “Jane Shepard.”

“Shepard, huh?”

She nodded.

“I take it you're related to the commander,”

“I'm...his sister actually,”

Things got quiet between them. She didn't know what to say and he wasn't leaving. Jane knew that she smelled like Nihlus and he was just inhaling the scent. He probably already knew. She had no reason to hide it from him anymore, but wasn't able to tell him. If she tried to bring him up, she'd just cry again.

“I'm sorry about your loss,” he finally spoke,his head turned away as he spoke. Unlike Nihlus, he slouched occasionally, that was one difference that stood out to her. It was one thing that reminded her that this turian could never be a replacement for Nihlus.

“I knew you could smell it,” she sighed, “I just never wanted to mask it or lie about it.”

“I’m here to talk if you need it. I know you don't know me, but losing someone that close, I think I can try to understand,”

She looked up and noticed that John had already left. He was probably off to find that evidence against Saren. The thing they'd chased Garrus down for. She wished she could be a bit more helpful, but she was worthless in this state. A husk of her former self. No relation to the actual husk, but at times, she felt like one. She was not even noticing the most normal of things. It was like she'd lost every bit of military training she'd received. 

“I'll be okay,” she murmured, but even her own voice knew she was lying to herself. It cracked a bit and she turned away, embarrassed by her weakness.

“Nihlus was an amazing guy. I didn't know him personally, but the stories I heard, well, I can see why you loved him so much,”

“Yeah,” was all she could say. Nihlus was outstanding. Probably the best Spectre out there. She choose to read about him after that first started, and everything she'd learned was so much to take it. He was strong. Smart. Resourceful. He was accepting and unlike most turians, he had no prejudice against humans.

“I'm...sorry if I'm making things worse,”

“No no,” she smiled a soft smile, a tear rolling down her cheek, “I just have never had the chance to talk to anyone about Nihlus. No one knew about him and I.”

“I told you, Jane. I'm here to talk,”

OOOOOOOOOOO

“So, do you enjoy working on the mako,” she got around to asking him. They were back on the Normandy and he'd already begun to work. He was very kind to her, considering himself her friend after she poured feelings on him on their first meeting.

“Yeah, your brother drives like a maniac, and the poor girl keeps breaking. I'm scared that one of these days she'll break down while we're in it, and we'll be left stranded. I pray that it doesn't happen anywhere cold.”

“Do you not like to cold?” She asked.

“Turians don't like the cold in general. Palaven is very hot, we're not used to it,”

“I never knew that,”

“Very few humans have been to palaven, very few know,” he stated, “Can I ask you something personal?”

She nodded.

“Why do you cover your bonding bite?”

She slowly rubbed her neck, then shrugged, “Nihlus and I did it in secret, we didn't want anyone to know about us. He kept his covered and I kept mine covered, it minimized questions.”

“That's very considerate of you. I take it that you had to hide your-” he paused for a moment, “-relations?”

She nodded, “Yeah, why do you ask?”

“That closet over there reeks of sex,”


	4. Chapter 4

Sweat dripped down her face, pooling on the floor beneath her. Her arms ached, along with the rest of her. Her breath was heavy, steady, but heavy nonetheless. The floor felt cold as she flopped down onto it. She wanted to be stronger. That's what she needed most, and if pushing herself past her limit is how she had to do it then it's what she intended to do. Wiping the sweat from her forehead with a towel, she stood up from the floor.

Nihlus wouldn't have wanted her to slow down or give up on military life after he died, and she had no intention to. She wanted to kill Saren, she had to be stronger to do that. She had to he strong for Nihlus, no more tears. No more locking herself in her room and crying. She wanted nothing more than to be with him again, but she knew somehow, he was still with her. She trained for him, worked harder for him. She could hear his contempt with her in her head.

After her chat with Garrus about hiding her relationship, she began to think. Think about how much would have changed had they been more open about it. She just wanted wished that she could live that change. Maybe if things were that way, somehow, Nihlus would still be alive. Jane opened up about her relationship to her brother and kept a picture of Nihlus on her workbench, telling anyone who asked about their relationship. She wouldn't hide anymore. She wanted people to know. Even if Nihlus had told her to hide it.

Being more open Nihlus made her feel a lot less heavy, if that was a way to describe it. Jane felt like the weight on her shoulders was being lifted, slowly, but surely. Soon enough, the would be no more weight at all. She longed for the day she could think about Nihlus with a happy heart. At his funeral, she met his family for the first time. They were just as he'd described them. They actually approached her before she even knew who they were. Said they smelled her from a distance. His parents had never need her, never even knew he'd gotten bonded. They didn't believe he'd done it with a human St first, she wanted their approval. Their expressions were so hard for her to read, she wished she knew what they were thinking.

“Do you plan on having the bite removed,” his mother asked and she merely shrugged, not the best answer to such a serious question, but she did not know.

Removing the bite would be just like taking the ring off if put into human perspective. She wasn't sure she was ready to, but she knew she was going to have to someday. Just not today, she needed more time to mourn him. She needed to feel close to him, if only for a few more moments. 

OOOOOOOOOOO

She stayed in her workout clothes and she made adjustments to the sniper rifle. Garrus’ sniper rifle to be specific. She wanted to repay him. For his kindness. He told her that it was something that anyone else would have done, had they known, but the way he did it was different. 

Garrus was an ass. He knew he was an ass and she knew he was an ass, but he knew when to be serious and he knew how to make her feel better. He was nothing like Nihlus, aside from the fact that they were the same species, he was all and all a completely different person. Aside from all that, he was there when she needed him most, and she had full intention to compensate him.

The way she best knew to do that, was to work on his favorite gun, the one he loved most. If there was one thing she's good at, it would be working on guns. She held the rifle up a bit, it felt a bit better in her hand, looking through the scope. She could already hear Nihlus voice in her head, “You're holding it wrong.” He would say. She couldn't believe she missed that constant nagging. She couldn't believe she missed everything about him. You never know how much you love something, until it's suddenly ripped from you hands.

“You're doing it wrong,”

She nearly jumped out at her skin from the voice that suddenly appeared behind her. She threw her head back and met a face full of blue armor. Tilting her head up to meet his face, she mentally grimaced about how much she hated that almost everyone was taller than her.

“I know what I'm doing, Vakarian,” she spat back playfully. He was an ass, so she learned to be an ass back.

“Apparently not,” he took her by the shoulders, turning her around so that her back faced him again.

“What are you doing?” She asked, as he forcefully reduced the slouch of her shoulders and arched her back.

“This time-” he leaned down to her ear, “-hold it with steady hands.”

She sighed and held the gun up to her face, looking through the scope, “Better?” She asked back to him.

“Better,” he assured.

OOOOOOOOOOO

Garrus left Shepard with a weird feeling. He'd never seen her in such little clothing, hell he'd never even seen her shoulders, it made him regret wearing gloves. She had a lot more muscle than he would've expected, it surprised him. When he whispered in her ear, he hoped that would trigger some sort of mating reaction, or at least a sign of interest, but he got nothing. After he noticed that she definitely wasn't interested, he kept to posture. Her waist was thin and when she was trying, her back arched perfectly, he could easily see why Nihlus was so interested in her from the start. She was beautiful, by most species standards. Not only that, but she was strong and smart.

He felt a whole new level of terrible, realizing his attraction to her. She was indeed holding that gun wrong, but he wanted to start getting a little grabby and experiment with just how far she'd let him go. Now that he thought about it, he thought about how horrible it sounded. Her wounds from Nihlus were healing, slowly. He had no idea when she would be completely over him, and he had no intention to force it, but he had no way to approach this situation. What would he say? How would he tell her? She'd never shown a sign of romantic interest in anyone that wasn't Nihlus, so he was going in the blind, with the hopes that maybe he could take her mind off things. It likely wouldn't work.

He watched her from the mako. He was finished with his work, he finished it hours ago, but he wanted to look at her longer. When she worked, she had this look in her eye. It was persistence. He had to admit, he admired her more than he could ever let his pride to allow. He wanted to discuss his interest in her, but he doubted that he would ever be able to.

The elevator door opened and his nose was drawn to the smell. Human. Male. Aroused. Kaidan. He wore his casuals and walked with his head up, straight over to Jane. Even with his superior hearing, he couldn't hear what they were saying, just bits and pieces of the parts that were louder. Words such as apologies and date. The little fuck was asking her out. He wanted to step in. To tell the little bastard that he wasn't the only one who wanted her. He would just have to wait his turn, plus she was still in mourning. Guilt should not be used as an aphrodisiac. He knew exactly what he was doing, asking her out in a moment of weakness.

But at the same time. It was Jane's life. She never showed interest in him, but so caught up in himself, he didn't really take the time to think that maybe to wanted to go back to something a little closer to home. Kaidan was as close to home as it got, and with so much going on in the Galaxy, Garrus could see why Kaidan would at least try to get some in, knowing that their death could come soon. 

After a long conversation with a couple “come on’s” and a “please” he watched her nod her head yes slowly. Even from this distance, Garrus knew that Kaidan had pressured her into this date. He wanted to asked her about it, but directly after she left, he watched her rest her head against her workbench. The only sound coming from her now were soft sobs.

He ran over to her faster than he knew he could, already rubbing calming circles on her back. He hated to see her cry, how red and puffy her eyes got, how she tried to cover her eyes with her hands, it broke his heart. She meant a lot to him, and seeing her pain was so hard for him.

“I'll kill him if I have to,” Garrus mumbled, lifting her head and gently stroking the hair from her face. Her bangs we're damp and tear stained. Her eyes so wide and teary. There was that little pain in his chest again. She look so innocent when she cried. She leaned closer to him, placing both of her hands on his chest and resting her head against his armor. He wrapped his arms lightly around her. He was nervous, seeing as they rarely ever hugged.

“Do you think Nihlus would want me to do this?” she sighed, “go on this date, I mean?”

Garrus suppressed a groan, he knew it was a date, “Nihlus would want you to be happy. The real question is, do you want to do this?” She shrugged.

“I don't think I'm ready for dating yet,” she said, her cheek still pressed against the blue armor plating.

“Don't go on this date because you feel like you have to, go because you want to. If you don't want to, tell him, he'll understand.” He stroked her hair as he spoke. He was so happy to be able to touch it. It was so soft.

She sniffled, “Do, do you think so?” He heard how unsure her voice sounded.

“I know so, and if Kaidan actually does get upset, then he must not really care about you,”

“I think...I maybe wanna go on the date,” she sighed, pulling herself away from his chest. He felt empty without her there and it hurt to hear her say that. Had he known she was going back to dating, he would have asked her out first, “but only as a friend thing. I'm not in the mood for romance. I'll tell him that.”

He released a sigh of relief. Thank Spirits. Even still, he knew that Kaidan was going to try something. Garrus was putting a lot of faith in him to not try anything with Jane, he knew that would come back to bite him in the ass later.


	5. Chapter 5

  She remembered this restaurant. She remembered coming here like it was yesterday. It was a very fancy place, but it wasn't a place that she could just come to in the most casual thing you could find, which was exactly the thing that she did. It was after a date with Nihlus to the movies, he'd come in a brief break in his mission and decided he wanted to see her. She was hungry after the long film, and Nihlus took her to the restaurant. It didn't serve any dextro food, so Nihlus sadly couldn't eat anything on the menu, but he still agreed to eat there, even though she told him that she could wait. He watched her eat the entire time, saying it was fascinating to see how her lips and teeth worked. At the end of the night they rented a hotel room and cuddled until the next morning.

 

   Now, she was here again, at the same restaurant with Kaidan. Nothing had really changed in that short period of time, but everything felt different. Like walking on a different side of the sidewalk than what you usually took, the scenery felt wrong. She ordered the same thing she had last time, but it tasted bland, not as good as it'd been the first time. She only ate a few bites. 

 

   The water was back in Jane's ears. The world sounded muffled again. She thought that it was gone, but it was still here, waiting for her to be reminded of how had the world was without Nihlus. She tried to focus on Kaidan. He was tell her a story, she couldn't much get into it, but she still nodded, smiled, chuckled slightly when she saw him stifle a laugh. She was ashamed to say that she was rather good at faking paying attention.

 

   “So what about you, Jane?” He asked, breaking through the water in time for her to hear her name.

 

   “What about me…?” She mumbled just beneath her breath. Her eyes darted around, she didn't want to look him directly in the eye, he'd be able to tell that she wasn't listening.

 

   “Yeah, how such a pretty girl like you join to alliance?”

 

  “Oh,” she sighed out, grateful that she didn't have to hear his story to carry on the conversation, “the usual, grew up on Earth briefly before my parents started getting deployed all over the place. John and I said we wanted to be just like mom and dad, and decided to join the alliance at the same time. Nothing special or tragic.” She shrugged, that was the truth. No dead parents or hard life. She lived fairly easily, basically no struggle. Even though her mom and dad were gone often, she was thankful for her brother who was always there to keep her company.

 

  “It's still a good reason to join,” he trailed off, trying to ease into the next subject, “So, you and Nihlus, huh?”

 

  Her whole body tensed and she was as stiff as a board.

 

  “Sorry. Didn't mean to ask like that I just...never saw you as the type to, like aliens,”

 

   She shrugged again, trying to play it off as if her heart wasn't pounding out of her chest. She thought she was used to people knowing about them, but having him being brung up out of the blue was a bit startling, “I didn't like him because he was an alien, I liked him because he was Nihlus.”

 

   “I see,” 

 

    Things got quiet between the two of them and she continued to take small bites of her bland food, it had gotten cold, but she had to do something to fill the awkward silence. This was her best course of action.

 

  “He seemed like an amazing guy,” Kaidan broke the silence.

 

   “He was,” she said, just beneath her breath.

 

   “And you're not looking to move on?”

 

   “Not at the moment,” she turned away, knowing that he was disappointed about this, she just couldn't move on, not yet, “I'm sorry. Can we just be friends?”

 

   “Of course,”

 

OOOOOOOOOOO

 

  She threw herself down on Garrus’ cot, looking up at him as he worked on the mako. He was always so into his work, she was surprised he even had a social life.

 

   “Fun date?” He asked, finally pulling himself away from his work to look her in the eyes.

 

   “I turned him down,” she stated, “and the food wasn't all that great either.”

 

   He chuckled, it was then that she noticed how nice his voice was. It had a delicate, but rough feel to it, “You did what you felt was best. Don't feel bad.”

 

   “I never said I felt bad!” She protested.

 

   “I hear it in your voice. You feel bad for him, I understand,”

 

   “I guess, a little,”

 

    “Wanna go and watch a movie?” He asked, trying to cheer her up before the day ended.

 

   “Tonight?” She groaned, “But I'm so tired!”

 

    She threw a tiny tantrum right there on his cot, only for him to ignore her and continue with work.

 

   “Thanks alot, Vakarian,”

 

   “Happy to help,”

 

   “We can watch a movie tomorrow, I'm not that busy. Happy?” 

 

   “No, not quite, but-” he sat his took on the floor and opened his arms, “-a hug would make it better.”

 

   She sighed in protest as she stood from her comfortable place on his cot and slid into his arms. Feeling as he wrapped his around her and rocked ever so slightly. Hugs with Garrus were the best. She heard him purr just beneath his breath and she giggled, they were just like cats. Big, sarcastic, cats.

 

   She pulled away and grabbed her purse that had been tossed shamelessly again the floor, “I'm gonna head back to my room now,” she said, “I'm super tired.”

 

   “Yeah, was the only way he could respond as he watched her hips sway as she walked to the elevator and step inside. 

 

   He had to try to concentrate on his work, as of now, that was the only thing that kept his mind off of her. Today was his first time seeing her wear makeup. He never understood the purpose of it until now. Her features were already strong, beautiful, radiant, but then she put on a hint of lipstick and he was surprised that Kaidan was the only person attempting to get with her. It was surprising. Of course, he was also trying to initiate a relationship with her, but that was besides the point. 

  
    At the movie tomorrow, he had full intentions to try and initiate romance. He was a bit scared to do this, his hands shook at the thought of it, but it was better than letting Kaidan get to her first. He wanted to be with her. To make her feel better. He didn't want to replace Nihlus, the bond they had was irreplaceable, but he wanted to be there for her, to comfort her. He hated seeing that sad look in her eye and not knowing how to fix it. He wanted to just kiss her one day. At least only a little.


	6. Chapter 6

That night, his dreams were sweet, because they were of the sweetest thing he knew. Her. Dark red hair and freckles that peppered her face. She smelled of earth fruits, none that he'd ever tried, but he knew the smell of them. That smelled lingered wherever she went, so that every time he sniffed the air. He thought of her. He slept with the sheet she laid on top of, earlier that day. Her smell was intoxicating. Addictive. She was was addictive as well. Fiery yet calm at the same time. Smart, but playful. He was actually surprised. She was amazing.

That morning he woke up after having the best sleep of his life. He felt rested, relaxed, happy for a change. What more could he say than that. He watched her work across the room. She was such an early riser. She and him were probably the only ones awake at the moment, and she had no idea he was even up. If she didn't she didn't acknowledge him. She just drank her coffee and worked, occasionally picking up her picture of Nihlus and kissing it.

It felt weird just watching her, not saying a word, but at the same time, he didn't want it to stop. She looked so innocent in the dim light, frail. She kept her already short hair up in a messy ponytail and she stayed in her pajamas. He could tell she was trying to work as quietly as possible, to not wake him or Wrex. It was cute, it a way. 

Her soft voice chimed a little song, one that he'd never heard before, but surely was from earth. She sang beautifully. Her hips swaying slightly to the rhythm of the song. It was angelic. He was drawn to her, literally. He stood from his cot and walked towards her. His footsteps light and barely making a noise. He wanted to hold her, even if just for a mine, and that's what he had full intention of doing.

He took her waist into his hand and pulled her close. She didn't even fret. She knew it was him. She leaned against his chest and sighed, smiling up at his tired face. This didn't feel real. It was too good to be true on so many levels, but he loved it. And if it was a dream, he prayed to the spirits that it would never end. That he would never have to let go of her, or look into her eyes. Bright with full intention of working hard. 

“Did I wake you,” she whispered, so not to wake their other sleep resident. 

“No,” was all he said, taken aback by how beautiful her voice sounded right after waking up.

“You sure do enjoy your hugs,” she stifled a laugh, tapping the hand he'd place around her waist gently with her fingertips.

“It's nice to hug you,”

“I'm glad you feel that way. Now-” she removed his arm, which he allowed to dangle back at its resting point, “can I get back to work?”

He felt...hurt. Rejected. Like his heart had been picked up and ripped into a million pieces. What made him feel this way? He knew he liked her, but this feeling, this hurt he had from just being denied the rest of a hug, was a bit too much. He didn't want to feel like he loved her. Well, he loved her of course, but the in the time frame they'd know each other, it was too quick to say his romantic feelings were that strong. It's just the stress of the mission getting to you, he told himself. That was the only reason. He was worried about everything that would happen on the mission, those repressed feelings turned into something different. An attraction towards the person he was closest to right now. The explanation sounded about right, but even still, this felt like more than just pent up stress. 

“I'll just...go back to bed now,” he mumbled, the hurt prominent in his voice.

She just waved her hand slightly to tell him she'd heard him and wen back to work. Simple as that. No goodnight or anything. There was that pain in his chest again.

He didn't go back to sleep though, he laid in his cot and watched her work from there. Watching as her hips swayed when she sang, and how she kissed that little picture of Nihlus. Sleep didn't come easy again.

OOOOOOOOOOO

“If you don't like Blasto, then why do you own a copy of all of his movies?” He asked during a particularly boring scene.

“It’s an ironic humor kinda thing,” she stated blandly.

When she said movie night, she meant movie night. They'd watch only every Blasto movie in existence, even a couple remakes. He wasn't complaining, it gave him more time with Jane to figure himself out, and what’s a better way to understand what you're thinking than to face it head on. He rubbed her shoulders, wearing his casuals this time so he could feel what skin on plates contact felt like. It was better than he'd imagined. She was so smooth and soft in all the right ways. He could feel the way her chest rose and fell as she rested against his chest. This was something he'd never felt before. Her breathing. It was sensual in a way.

“Have you been okay lately, Garrus?” She asked, her face still resting against his chest.

“What makes you asked that?”

“You’ve been holding me a lot more,” she stated bluntly, “and you're almost everywhere I go.”

“So you noticed, huh?” He felt as though now was a good a time as any to tell his true feelings.

“I'm not interested in you that way, Garrus, if that's what you're looking for,” she lifted up from his chest, pulling herself into a regular sitting position.

His heart shattered then and there, but he didn't dare show it. He didn't want her to see how hard she'd rejected him, it was the last thing. “What? No!,” He said playfully, a dry laugh following the faked statement, “I don't feel that way about you, why would you think that?”

She shrugged, “It's getting late, Garrus, we should both go to bed now. Goodnight.”

It took him a minute to realize that she was making him leave, but sure enough, he stepped up from the bed and walked to the door, mumbling a soft “Night” before he left.

The door shut behind him and he released a sigh that he'd been holding in for so long. So he was that easy to read, his intentions were that obvious. He was disappointed. He knew he'd be turned down for sure, her wounds were still a bit fresh, she still needed time, but it burned like her. It hurt worse than every bullet he'd taken so far. He should've know better than to attempt romance with her. It was pointless. She was with a guy like Nihlus, could he even live up to that? A Spectre. Most turians only ever dreamed of getting Spectre status, and Jane had been with a guy who'd had it. He was wasting his time.

He was knocked from his thoughts when his shoulder bumped against someone else's. Male. Human. Aroused. Kaidan. He growled in his throat.

“Excuse me, Garrus,” he stated as he stepped into Jane's cabin and closed and locked to door behind him.

Garrus’ taloned hands twitched. He was prepared to kill something. Anything, with these hands.

OOOOOOOOOOO

“Oh, Kaidan, you're here!” She said as happily as she could when he stepped inside.

“Jane, I'm glad I was invited,”

“Ok, there are the formalities,” she waved her hand in the air in a sweeping gestures, “What did you want to talk about that's so important.”

“Your feelings about me,” he looked her dead in the eye.

Her smile fell, “Kaidan, we've discussed this, I'm not sure I'm ready for this. Nihlus, he was, he was someone I love more than what can be explained in one sitting.”

“I wish I could say I've experienced love like that,” he mumbled, “That's why I'm here, Jane. I can...never replace Nihlus, I'd be surprised if I even came close,” as he spoke he slid down in one knee and took her hand into his, “but when you're feeling better, feeling ready to get back out there, I want to be here for you. Always. I'm not rushing you, but I will wait for you. Can we at least try that?”

Her thoughts shifted to Garrus, who she'd turned down only a moment ago. He was defensive about what she'd said, she could tell he was lying. She knew he had feelings for her as well, and he'd be more than hurt if she chose Kaidan over him, “I'll think about it, Kaidan, I will.”

He nodded and stood from the floor, dusting off his pants, “Could I at least...stay for the night?”

She pointed to the floor, “Only if you're okay with sleeping down there.” it would take a while before she'd be willing to share her bed again. Especially with a potential romance.

“So much for our first night together,” Kaidan joked as he slid back down on the floor. She threw a blanket and pillow at him before clicking off the light.

“Night, Kaidan,”


	7. Chapter 7

She awoke to the sound of her early morning alarm. She would do a quick jog through the ship as a warm-up, then get into the real workout. It was dark in her room, dark and noiseless. She never felt like changing out of her PJs when she was going to exercise, they were light, airy, and the most comfortable clothes she owned. It seemed fitting that she'd cover them in sweat.

She threw her blanket back over the bed. Her old CO would've scolded her until the next day about not making her bed when she'd gotten up, but he wasn't here and she didn't care. She stepped out of bed and threw her hair up into something that resembled a ponytail, it would do until she felt like really getting dressed for the day.

She touched up on a few more things before she she began to walk out of the room. She didn't need a light to know where she was going, or so she thought. Her feet got caught in something against the floor and she fell with about as much grace as, well, someone falling. She hit the floor with a thud and a loss of breath when she hit her stomach. The thing she tripped over groaned and shuffled, then sat up to scratch its head. How could she have forgotten about Kaidan?

He looked around sheepishly for a moment, likely unsure of where he was and confused that he was awoken by a kick to the stomach. As well as a bunch of crashing sounds. She smiled nervously. This whole ordeal was entirely her fault, she didn't know what else to say. She allowed Kaidan to spend the night, told him where to sleep, then completely forgotten about it and proceeded to wake him up. In a painful way at that.

“Jane?” She shivered when he spoke. His morning voice was so, rough and raspy. It was rather attractive, to say the least.

“Yeah, sorry, Kaidan,” she whispered to the darkness, hoping she was making eye contact of some sort.

“What're you doing up?” He pulled up his omni-tool, dimly illuminating the room so he could see her frizzled hair and she could see his drowsy eyes, “it's so early.” He mumbled.

“I like to get up to, ya know, exercise,”

“Get some more rest, you'll tire yourself out getting up at this time,”

“No no,” she waved her hands sheepishly, even though he could barely see the gesture, she still did it, “I'm always up this early, it's nothing.”

“When will you be back?” He reached out and stroked her hair, his hands had this rough feeling to them. She liked it.

“I'll be back a little later, I've got some work to do down stairs after I'm done with my workout. Feel free to stay here until you get up.” she stood from his side, detangling her foot from his blanket and walking to the door.

“And Jane!” He called softly to her.

“Yeah?” She turned back to look at him.

“I love you,”

OOOOOOOOOOO

When he awoke, he watched her work. Even after being rejected so hard. He wouldn't allow this habit to just up and die. He wanted to see her with her guard down. It was an odd request, he knew, but it would make him happy.

His heart ached when he thought about her and Kaidan. He should've guessed something like this would've happened, but it still burned. When Kaidan walked through that door, Garrus stood there and watched it, waiting for the make to exit. He stood for so long, the only reason he'd left was because the crew, especially Tali, expressed worry for him. It was an embarrassing thought to look back on, but this experience sealed it. They spent and entire night together in her cabin. It was confirmed. She wanted Kaidan. He should've just backed off a long time ago.

He stood from his cot. He didn't know where he was going, but after thinking, he didn't want to look at her at the moment. Not now. It hurt too much. He wanted to do something else since he would have spent most of his time struggling to force himself back to sleep. It was early, almost all of the crew was asleep, he basically had the rest of the ship to himself.

He walked to the elevator, not trying to mask his footsteps, he had no reason to be too quiet. It didn't matter. He felt her eyes on his back, but he chose not to go to her. Her mate would be upset if they still continued their physical contact. It would be best to just avoid her slightly, they would still talk of course, but not alone. He felt as though he wouldn't be able to control himself if he were somewhere where it was just him and her. 

He stepped in the elevator and went up a floor. He had absolutely no idea what he would do while he waited for the ship to be more busy, but he decided he'd just figure it out as he went. He just couldn't be down there with her anymore, and he would feel to bad about asking her to leave, so, he did the next best thing and left. Easy solution.

He entered the mess Hall and looked around. It felt weird not seeing this area swarmed with people. He was so used to all of the noise and crowding, that when it was empty, he couldn't even tell it was the same room anymore. It was now that he noticed how spacious the room was. 

He opened the fridge and looked inside, he doubted they had much for him to eat. He and Tali were the only dextros on the ship, it wouldn't be easy to get a ton of food that'd be compatible for them, but he still managed to scrape up a small meal. Nothing special or bursting with taste, but it was a meal, and it took his mind off things. He needed a moment to think, and he was grateful for this time alone in this big, empty space.

He ate in silence. No noises aside from his fork and plate. He felt so alone at the moment, so empty, he was a bit sad just sitting here in the dark.

“Hey, I saw you up here,” that sweet voice touched his ears and lightened his body in a way that few could understand, “Got hungry?” She added.

He nodded. 

She took the seat across from him and he angled his head down so he wouldn't have to look into those beautiful green eyes for even another minute. She sighed. From his peripheral vision, he watched her hands clasp together. Her thumbs fighting together in a barely noticeable way.

“Nihlus once said that turian silent treatment is a hard thing to get,”

He chuckled, Nihlus was right. Turians were so selfless that they couldn't waste their time on petty acts of anger. They just fought it out, then got back to work. She claimed to not know a lot about turians, but she had plenty of facts at her disposal when she needed them.

“What did I do to deserve it?” She sounded hurt and of course, he felt pain too. The amount of guilt it her voice just killed him inside, he felt so terrible hurting her, even though she did nothing wrong.

“What makes you think I'm ignoring you,” he still didn't make eye contact, his gaze stayed in the food. He wouldn't be able to hold back if he looked at her.

“You didn't even look at me, Garrus,” she spat, her voice raising, “You're not even looking at me now!”

“Jane, I just…” he thought back to Kaidan, taking advantage of his mate was wrong and he had no right to do it.

“You just what?” She was growing irritated, he could tell without even looking at her.

“Nothing, Jane, I should get going” he slid out from the table and stood from his chair, watching his feet as he tried to walk away.

Her soft hand gripped his, he nearly purred out from the soft feeling.

“Garrus!” She shouted, her voice quivering, “Look at me!”

He turned his head slowly to meet her eyes, they were filled to the brim with tears, when she blinked, they spilled out and stained her freckled cheeks. He broke down right there. He let himself go and jumped over the table to be face to face with her.

Her hands shook, as he took them into his, pressing his forehead against her and purring loudly. He was surprised by her not pulling away, she didn't return the kiss, but she didn't pull away. She just sat there as he kissed her, he realized what he was doing took a few hesitant steps back.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered, “I am so so sorry,”

“You could've just told me your feelings, Garrus,”

“What was the point?” he sighed, “You turned me down before I could tell you, and you're with Kaidan now, anyways.”

“I'm not with anyone. Kaidan spent the night in my room and he slept on the floor, nothing happened,”

He felt like an idiot, he ignored his best friend for no reason. He was just being overly jealous. It felt horrible knowing that she went through that her for nothing.

“I'm so stupid,” he said, “I wouldn't be upset if you chose Kaidan over me. I'd understand.”

“I'm not choosing anyone right now, dating just wouldn't feel good, I just wanna be alone,”

“I get it,” he shrugged, “can I walk you back to your room?”

“Absolutely,”

He took her hand and they walked in silence, it wasn't an awkward silence or a bad silence. It wasn't a silence in which no one knew what to say, but rather a silence in which there was nothing to be said. It was perfect just this way.

“Sure you don't wanna go down and get some work done,” he teased when they arrived at her room door.

“No, no. I think I should get some more rest before the mission, you should do the same,”

“I will. Um, is Kaidan still in there?” 

“Yeah, he's probably still passed out on the floor,”

“Oh, good I guess. Night, Jane,”

“Night, Garrus. And Garrus,” she called before he walked away, “if this was something sort of competition like you think it is, you would've won.”

She stepped back into her room, closing the door after her. She stepped over Kaidan and climbed into bed.


	8. Chapter 8

She spent the rest of the day with a smile on her cheeks. It wasn't a smile of happiness, but rather, a smile of complete nervousness. She tended to smile when she got really nervous. What she said to Garrus was embarrassing. Honest, but embarrassing. If she knew why she was rejecting people left in right, she wouldn't have a definite answer. Nihlus wouldn't have wanted her to be hung up on him like this, that she knew, but no matter how much she liked him, she felt like she was a weight. She wanted another relationship, it would be nice to feel that happiness again. She didn’t want to upset Garrus though, she didn't want him to feel like he withered in comparison to Nihlus. She wanted to be over him. Completely, but who knew how long that'd take? She'd probably still have scars from him. She was confusing herself

She didn't feel like working today, the mission John had brought her on drained the life out of her, she wanted to sleep more. She was actually thankful for the couple of extra hours she'd gotten that same morning, she spent most of it thinking of Garrus. Her dreamed were actually nice, they were of him. She would've passed out had she continued her regular schedule. Things happen for a reason, she thought.

During the day, Kaidan had grown more flirtatious. She felt as though she was leading him him on, as well as Garrus, even though she'd let them both down. She supposed that she did openly tell them both they had someone sort of chance with her. Dumb move on her part. She wasn't thinking, lost in the moment, she just said what felt right at the moment. Those things only dug her hole deeper, soon she'd suffocate.

She thought back to that kiss with Garrus. It felt so familiar. So right. The way he purred, the way he felt, it was just like Nihlus. She didn't want to use Garrus as a replacement for Nihlus, but the more she thought about a relationship with him, the more she believed that was what she was doing. The place she had in her heart for Nihlus could never be filled completely, but it could be filled partially by another turian, or at least, that's what it felt like she was doing. Trying to mend her wounds with a Nihlus copy, but he wasn't Nihlus. Garrus and Nihlus were two entirely different people, and as she began to learn more and more about him, she began to like him even more. 

She sighed and glanced at the picture of Nihlus she had on her workbench. It was her only picture of him. She'd taken it, not long ago, on a date. It was an off guard picture, he didn't even notice her camera so he was looking away, but somehow, she managed to get all of his beautiful features. She traced her finger down the glass of the picture frame. Over and over again in her head, she told herself to just let go. He wouldn't want you to be sad. He wouldn't want you to be alone. He'd want you to be happy. She touched her bite mark, it was practically gone. The skin had reverted back to its natural color and Garrus said that she no longer smelled of Nihlus. The only remnant of him that remained was this picture. She didn't want to throw it away, that'd be too disrespectful, she wanted to keep it, for memories in the future. She placed the photo face down against the table and sighed, a weight lifted from her chest.

Jane turned back to face Garrus, he was working hard on the mako. They'd taken it out on the mission today and after being turned over three times, crashed into structures, and barely surviving a thresher maw attack, she was in bad shape. She really liked Garrus. Really really like him. She wanted to ignite a new flame inside of herself, not one based off Nihlus, but an entirely new one. 

She was feeling a whole wave of emotions. Fear and excitement, happiness and melancholy. She wanted to turn back around, flip the picture of Nihlus back over, and continue things the way they were. Or maybe she could run upstairs to Kaidan, she had to admit, her feelings for him weren't as strong. She saw him as an older brother, but right now her knees were buckling.

She took a hesitant step forward. Then another, then another, until she got a slow, but steady pace. Nihlus was never afraid, he always faced the world head on with not a bit of worry. Jane knew that Nihlus wanted her to be the same. She would try not to be afraid, no matter how hard it was. She wanted to continue living. She wanted to be happy. She wanted to feel warm. She wanted Garrus. It felt a bit rushed, sometimes she felt as though she'd known Garrus for years, other times she felt like she'd only know him for a day, but she was feeling a spark, that spark would start the fire.

The day she met Garrus, she wanted to avoid him. She wanted to keep her and Nihlus a secret. Today, she wanted Garrus to hold her. She wanted to apologise. It felt so quick, so sudden, but she wanted to no longer be in mourning. It'd been months since she'd been with Nihlus, months since that Mass Relay jump, and months since they'd been together. She had to move on. No matter what.

When she approached Garrus, he put his tool down and looked to see who was interrupting him from his precious baby. When their eyes met, his mandible fluttered and he looked away, back to the mako.

“Jane,” he spoke in a nervous tone, “Need me for something.”

“Yeah,” she stood on her tiptoes and placed a gentle kiss against his cheek. She had no idea whether or not Garrus understood this basic human gesture, but it felt right for the moment.

His mandible fluttered more, “I...I see.”

“I've been thinking,” she swayed from one foot to the other, back and forth, “I'm not sure if I'm completely over Nihlus yet, but I sure that I don't want someone as amazing as you get away from me.”

“I see,” he stuttered again.

“Are you okay, Garrus?” 

“Last night, I'm sorry for that,”

“And I'm sorry for rejecting you,”

He pulled her into a hug, her hands pressed against his cool armor, she pressed her cheek against him. She felt content. Happy, proud of how life was going so far. 

OOOOOOOOOOO

“I don't want you to feel like I'm rushing you,” he stammered.

“Garrus,” she sighed as her fingers pressed against his mandible, “I know what I want.”

The lights in the room where dim. They were on their way to Illos, it'd only been a few weeks since that day with Garrus. Tensions were high, and she decided that if this was going to be her last night alive, she wanted it to be her first night with Garrus. They'd held off on sleeping together until it felt right, knowing the odds, nothing felt more right than now. She wanted to know that she'd have no regrets before dying, not sleeping with Garrus would be something that she was sure to regret.

He pressed his forehead against her, “are you sure?” He breathed against her lips and she nodded.

“I'm the one who invited you up here, don't worry Garrus,”

He stroked her cheek, then lifted her shirt over her head. Her body was covered in scars, some new, some old. He knew they were from all the hits she'd taken, he found them to be attractive. They littered her body in no sort of pattern, it made her feel more normal. Sliding his taloned hands down to her waist, he gave it a gentle squeeze. She squirmed and laughed, flopping back onto the cushion the bed.

“Garrus! That tickles!” She squealed between laughs.

He slid his hands down lower to her hips. Pushing a finger into the fabric of her pants and pulling them down. While she assisted by pulling them off from her ankles, he took off his shirt. Her skin was such a vibrant color. He loved it. It was so abnormal for him, yet still so beautiful. He watched as she unclipped her bra, he struggled to do it himself, and her supple breast fell out. She tossed the bra aside and she opened her arms for him. He stepped to her hesitantly.

In a regular turian form of mating, there would be more fringe pulling, biting, and things of that sort, but she was human. They somehow had to make a compromise in middle ground, so that both of them would be comfortable. He honestly wished he'd studied a bit more.

She wrapped her thighs around him. They were firm, yet soft, warm and comforting, and they were holding him in place. She took his fringe into his hand and dug her blunt nails into it gently, he purred. She had the advantage, having been with a turian before. Her tongue flicked his mandible, over and over till she had the order of both of them in a rhythm. He felt a bit out done. He didn't know much, but he wanted to please her as much as she was him.

His hand slid down to her breast. He took the warm flesh into his hand and gave it a light squeeze. She sighed out softly, it wasn't much, but it was something. Jane had cherry pink nipples, one of the many colors the website told him they'd be. He took on into his hand and gave it a little squeeze. She jolted and he thought for a moment he'd hurt her, but the content smile on her face told him otherwise. Sliding down to his knees, he took the bud into his mouth to the best of his ability. He used his tongue most, so that he wouldn't risk hurting her with his teeth. She moaned and panted from the simple foreplay, her hand digging into his fringe harder. 

He took this opportunity to look up at her face while he worked. She was beautiful when she was like this. Her cheeks flushed and eyes half lidded. She was sweating slightly, even though they'd just begun, but he learned that this was fairly normal.

Pulling back up from his knees, he took his pants and underwear off and watched as she slipped from her panties. She spread her legs and smiled. Right then and there, his plates shifted. His penis coming out from his sheath and getting erect almost instantly. He stepped closer again and pressed himself at her entrance. So caught up in the moment, he'd forgotten protection. He pulled back and fished around in his pants pocket before pulling out a condom. She moaned impatiently. He clumsily slid the condom on and assumed his original position at her entrance. His talons on her thighs, digging into the flesh.

“Any day now, Garrus,” she teased and he finally began to push into her. Slowly, he eased himself in until he couldn't fit anymore. She was shivering from the pleasure.

He began to thrust in and out. Earning a few moans and her slurring his name. It felt amazing, better than anything he'd ever experienced, and it was with the woman he loved. Her back was arched, toes curled, she was truly beautiful. Her hair clumped to her forehead from the sweat, he pushed it away and pressed his forehead to her. She sighed out between moans.

He kissed down her face as he thrust, until he reached her neck. He was a little afraid to touch it. Did she want to bond again? Was she ready to be with him? He pulled back from her neck and went back to his pace, speeding up when she began to mouth works of pleasure.

Her back arched once more and she trembled slightly. Soft breaths releasing as she shook. She was having an orgasm, and it was beautiful. He was growing close as well. He speed up his thrust, much to her joy.

“More, Garrus! More!” She encouraged. And after looking into her beautiful green eyes once more, he came. Pulling out before it spilled out of the condom. He panted lightly, trying to holding himself up with his weak legs. He flopped down next to her, and pulled her soft body into her arms. She purred and he smiled, lightly kissing her forehead over and over.

“I love you, Garrus Vakarian,”

“I love you too, Jane Shepard,”

“ETA two hours till we hit the Mu Relay,” Joker's voice broke over the comm channel, “I suggest you suit up, Jane,”

“I will,” she called back and turned to kiss his cheek. Standing from the bed and walking to her foot locker to grab her armor.

“Be safe out there,” Garrus ordered.

“Aren't I always?”


	9. Photo

She looked out onto the presidium. It was beautiful, as always. Birds chirped, flowers from all homeworlds bloomed. The waterfall worked as usual. You could hardly even tell there was a warm going on. It hit hard and out of nowhere, just as her brother said it would. She believed him, few others did. They were docked on the citadel again, gathering supplies, getting volunteers. She hadn't seen Garrus in a while, and was obviously happy when he stepped into the Normandy. She wanted to throw herself into his arms, but she decided it would be best to keep things professional, but when she found him in the main battery, they shared a kiss.

She took the elevator down to the refugee area. Is always made her sad, to see all of these people without homes, but they kept hope, she she wanted to too. If the person fighting the war wasn't hopeful, then there was no chance of winning. 

Garrus was busy, she didn't want to bother him, but she did know he was down here, getting places to stay for injured turian soldiers. She smirked. He was an amazing person. Probably the best she'd met. As much as she wanted to sit and watch Garrus work, that wasn't what she was there for.

Just as the whispers had said, there was a memorial wall for those who fallen during the war. People from all classes came by and placed photos and trinkets of their dead loved ones there so they wouldn't be forgotten. The wall was covered in pictures of all species and people stood by the wall and cried. It made her heart sting, she knew that they were experiencing more than anyone else.

She took the step down and angled her head up to look at the photos. Most had names of the people on them, so that when someone saw their picture, they'd know who was lost to this terrible thing. 

She took the photo from her bag. It was a photo of Nihlus, the one that caught his beautiful features better than anything else. She held it with trembling hands. As she said, she didn't throw it away, she kept it somewhere safe until she had some sort of idea of what she'd do with it, and now she knew what she could do. Nihlus’ picture felt small against the many other people who had been placed here, but like the rest of them, he died to the reaper war.

His picture needed no name tag, you knew exactly who it was just by looking at him. He was a strong turian, he always walked with his back straight and shoulders back, he was a military man, a Spectre, and he was her first love. As she thought of him, she felt a tear roll down from her eye. She hadn't cried about Nihlus in so long. Years, it'd been years since she looked at this picture and allowed tears to fall. 

She dropped to her knees next to a crying asari and sat his photo against the wall. The asari looked at it, then up to her, she smiled a sad half smile.

“I'm sorry for your lost,” the asari said.

“And I'm sorry about yours,” she looked at the picture the asari had placed down. It was of a turian woman in black armor with white clan markings.

“He was a very brave man,” she sniffled and Jane gave her a gentle pat against the back.

“It'll be better soon,” Jane cooed to her, “I know that it'll get better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was wonderful to work on this
> 
> Thank you for following this story until the very end.


End file.
